I have not posted a blog in months. That is easy and clear to see. However, I have written a post every week and simply archived it away. A lot of it has to do with worrying, stress, etc. The reason I never posted it was because I didn’t want to put that negative energy out into the universe. If I only wanted to put positive energy, I felt like I didn’t have any, so there were no posts.

Here is an excerpt from the most recent one:

What happens if I never made a difference? What happens if I get to 40 and I consider the things I did and I realize that I never made a difference? In the work, in speaking or volunteering, that I never actually helped someone have a better day?

That is pretty harsh. It’s something I consider though and even if it isn’t visible, it’s on my mind. I am so exhausted that I can’t bring myself to be myself. Yesterday changed things (and if for nothing else, if I am so exhausted, how did I manage this?).

Yesterday I volunteered at an event for Fast and Female, which is an organization that focuses on encouraging girls to be engaged in sports. It provides them opportunities for self-confidence, teamwork, and a sense of accomplishment. I was a “Role Model” for them when I lived in Calgary, but I had no idea they were out where I am now. So yesterday, a group of volunteers, Role Models, career athletes, and event organizers got together and helped 700+ young girls learn about sports and try out a few on their own.

It was amazing. Seeing the girls arrive with trepidation about the day was a little daunting (how on earth could I help to make them want to be active!?) but as the day went by, the team and the girls themselves brought a positive energy until all I could hear was the enthusiastic shrieks of girls playing flag football (or rugby, or lacrosse, or boxing). The girls were interested in playing the sports, but they also spoke with the guest athletes about their experiences. They asked the Role Models about what we did. One girl told me she did a running race and she finished fourth from last. I asked her if she still finished and she agreed. I told her that a lot of people never even try registering for a race, whether they finish first, or last, or not at all. That she was brave for even trying it. She told me she had never thought about it that way, and was smiling.

Whether she remembers that conversation or not, I will. In that moment, a difference was made. It was a true statement. Those girls had no hesitations when it came to new ideas or risks when it came to being given the opportunity.

So going back to the reference to my un-posted blogs and exhaustion. I am exhausted. I am so frigging tired on the days that I work. I am so tired on the days that I don’t work that I just lay on the couch and sleep. I feel like a massive hypocrite is a sentence I have written more times than I can count. How do I try to encourage others to be active when it’s so easy to find legitimate excuses? My feet hurt, I’m tired, my shoes have holes in them, it gets dark early and is less safe to run, I can’t afford a gym membership, etc. etc. etc.

Then I thought about it more. I don’t need to be given the opportunity to run. I can make my own opportunities. Like the little girl, I can be brave for just trying (or trying something new even!). I have won exactly 1 race in all the time I have been running, but I have participated in countless. There are some I didn’t finish at all and yet I do not regret any of them.

I will be able to run a half-marathon by the end of 2023. The hell with exhaustion. And no better month than October (yay Halloween!) to get started on something new!