I recently took a look at my blog. I pay for it every year. I don’t get paid for it, I don’t have sponsors, I am not an influencer. I post it on Facebook, which is so out of date or whatever, and on the actual site. I haven’t paid attention to it in a long time. There’s a few reasons.

I was injured a few years ago, and that put a big halt on my running. I am back to square one, and that is kind of hard on my pride. Which is completely antagonistic to everything I have ever written or thought. One step is better than no steps, so why am I (not) dragging my feet? Because I am not as good as I used to be? That is a terrible excuse. Although I did take up basketball this summer.

Also, and here is the big one: I have not had a seizure in four years. Four years. That is the longest I have gone since I was originally diagnosed.

I have been thinking that, maybe, just maybe, I am not epileptic anymore. That is not true of course. I had an EEG earlier this year and although it took some solid work on the part of the technician, they could see the nerves firing. I also still take medication twice a day and am conscious of that. I have just felt somewhat outside the epileptic community. I think I’ve mentioned the phrase before, “Schoedinger’s Epileptic”, where I am both epileptic but not having seizures.

Re-reading my blog, I realized that stopping writing has been absolute garbage for me. It was a catharsis. It helped me express my experiences and hopefully help others become more comfortable with theirs. I like writing. I still have to go to the pharmacy every month for medication and I am constantly aware that at any time, my four-year streak could end.

But really, if it ended, what happens? I go back to being an epileptic who has seizures. I go back to working with my neurologist to find the right cocktail of medications. I start paying attention again to all the things I haven’t been considering (jumping out of bed to have a shower, for example) for the last few years. These are all things I have been through before, and I know I can do them again. It won’t even be the worst thing ever, because I am familiar with that kind of life.

I will be grateful for the four years I have. Going forward, if I continue to build time or start having them regularly, I will be grateful for each day that is part of a new foundation. If the foundation is only a week at a time, then I will be grateful for those 6 days in between (or however many days).

I still acknowledge it. I let lifeguards know at the pool. The friends I socialize with know about it. All the things I was told not to do, well, I still do all of those too. I am learning new languages and that is literally the first thing I learn to say “I am epileptic” and “I need a doctor”. I am going to try to start writing regularly again, because whether one person (or no one) is reading it, it meant something to me.

I thought I stopped being embarrassed about it a long time ago. Turns out, I was just as vulnerable to acknowledging it as I ever was. Please excuse my absence. Now I need to go watch a Christmas movie, drink some wine, and start decorating for the holidays!