It’s been almost a year! Maybe March for the pandemic, but I also spent that time in the hospital and recovery. So it’s been almost been a year of isolation and difference. Never mind me having moved to a new city, new career, etc. etc. etc. but all that too. Wow. I’ve had a lot of spare time.
Lately I have been not posting at all. I’ve been frustrated and sad and it’s seemed harder lately. I’ve been writing, definitely, but it’s been more like journaling. I’ve felt more like a teenager writing sadness. I didn’t want to post that and share it with the world. Not because of the sadness, everyone has feelings. More because I didn’t want to spread those all over the place. I didn’t want to make anyone else feel bad. Then a friend of mine reminded me that this is hard for everyone. The honesty and the vulnerability of sharing that I am struggling might actually be something that helps. This is not easy for me either. Some days this is terrifying. Some days this is depressing. Some days I don’t want to be anywhere near people all over again. Some days I cry. Some days I run for hours. Some days I am grateful that I can get coffee still, and of course, wine. Some days I am happy that I have a deeper connection with friends because we chat over zoom. Some days I want to smash my phone because I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Apart from my journaling and binge watching tv, I’ve picked up a few new hobbies. Acrylic painting is one. I actually love it. It’s super messy. It’s super expensive. I have a combination of paintings. Some look like things. Some are abstract. That’s right, you read that correctly. Abstract. My favourite book (obsession?) of all time is Les Miserables. I could talk about it endlessly including full assessment of the history, the impact of the literature, the characters, everything. So I painted abstracts of my four favourite characters. I could talk to about those characters forever… for all eternity. What they meant then, what they mean now, what their impact was on the fictional world and the literal world. Like I said, obsession. As for the painting, I didn’t realize that I had a creative side that way.
More practicing makeup, but now it’s more like super dramatic. I actually love it and there is a chance that when this is over, I’m going to be wearing some ridiculously over-the-top eyeliner and shadow colours. It will be fabulous at every moment. I’m considering going shopping for some new clothes to coincide. I love pant suits. I need more, and maybe some in leopard print. I’ve finally started trying to learn another language. French, of course. It’s a combination of online courses, Google translate and the translate app on my phone. I like the combination of formal and informal words. I’ve learned how to say important things like “Where can I get coffee (or wine)”. When this is over, I will go to Paris because I want to see the streets again and I will attempt to speak French.
So what have you been doing in the spare time? If you’ve been struggling, that’s allowed. Not just because “this is hard for everyone” but because everyone has emotions. Everyone is allowed to struggle in their own way. If you’ve held onto the hope and started learning a second language so when the time arrives and you plan to travel again, you’re allowed to hope in your own way. If you alternate between struggle and hope from day to day or month to month, that’s allowed. All of it is allowed.
Run. Don’t run. Do what is going to make you happiest and keep yourself going. If at this time it is Netflix or painting, sit on that couch and own that decision. Just try to find some happiness somewhere.