Stagnation

Yet again, I have not written in awhile. It is because I haven’t been running. It’s not just running that I’m not doing either. I can’t lift weights, I can’t walk, I can’t sleep, I just generally cannot do anything that involves my right hand. I can’t even open doors or drawers. I can’t put my hair in a ponytail. I’ve been applying makeup and writing left handed (normally I am right handed).

I had an ultrasound and imaging done earlier this week to see what is going on. It seems like it’s a dislocated rotator cuff and the doctors need to know exactly how bad it is before deciding the next course of action. I’ve done physiotherapy already, so it seems to be leaning towards injections or surgery. I don’t take a lot of painkillers, because I am either allergic to them or they conflict with my epilepsy medications. Just overall, all movement hurts. Writing this hurts.

However…. I am getting caught up (or ahead) of all the readings I need to do for my class. I’ve watched a couple movies that I haven’t seen before. Some days are better than others and I am able to go for a walk. Some days are worse and I complain excessively but overall, I’m getting super antsy about this. I’m impatient at the best of times and being limited sometimes from even being able to sit (never mind walk, run, jump, climb, swing, dance) feels like it’s destroying me.

I can go back to my homework. It’s always waiting for me, like laundry (oops, that doesn’t count because I can’t carry a laundry basket). I can watch a movie and hope it doesn’t have anyone using their bodies in any way because that just makes me jealous right now. It’s a shame that most of my favourite movies have people dancing… or walking at some point.

It makes me think though too how fortunate I have been. Every race that I started and whether I was or wasn’t able to finish, at least I started it. Every climb where I slid down, I started. Every stage I stepped on and messed up a dance routine, at least I practiced and tried. I have had the opportunities to do a lot of things over the years. Even the things that aren’t activities in the same way: I’ve backpacked through Europe a number of times (there is no chance I could put on a backpack at the moment). Even doing laundry was possible.

I am not often as grateful as I should probably be, because often the things I have accomplished have been through a lot of work on my part. The things I have done were despite the warnings of doctors. I’ve looked at the challenges, approached them, and driven through the work required to be successful. Now, there are a lot of things that are just not in my scope of ability (hopefully temporarily).

When I am not being upset about it, I am reminding myself how lucky I have been for the experiences that I have had in the past. I am reminding myself that yes, I may be limited physically right now, but that does not mean I can’t expand my sphere of knowledge (or make new spheres!). This has brought into a sharp awareness of something: I had stabilized. Stagnated. I knew what I could do and wasn’t pushing enough in other directions. There was no balance. I was like this haunted potato (the photo) that surreptitiously moved around my apartment but was still just a potato.

I don’t know when I will get the results back from the ultrasound and imaging. I don’t know what the doctor will suggest. I have been a runner and athlete for so long, it’s been a significant part of how I define myself. Until I find out the results, maybe it’s time to reevaluate and expand. My life is not over if I cannot be athletic anymore (although I really would like to be able to sleep). I can live without laundry too.

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